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Thursday, June 15, 2006
My Journey to Calvary

I wrote an entry last nite but didnt managed to complete it bcos i 'ran out' of words to describe my experience. Gave up on that entry and am gonna pen a new one. Pray that my limited vocab can really bring out the condition of my heart.

All of us who has been to the Kluster Kamp will NEVER forget the Structured Experience (SE). For those who do not understand, SE is an activity designed to put us into a certain (stress) senario and see how we respond to it.

On the friday nite of camp, i was brought thru the journey of Calvary. The Calvary station was the finale of the whole SE. We were given the passage Matt 7: 13-14.

13"Enter through the narrow gate. For wide is the gate and broad is the road that leads to destruction, and many enter through it. 14But small is the gate and narrow the road that leads to life, and only a few find it.

And we have the option to take left, the broad road, and right, the narrow road. I chose the narrow road, totally unprepared for it. I was given a bamboo pole with 2 water-filled bottles at both ends to carry and had to walk on my knees. The distance is only abt 50m along the corridor, but before i started on the journey, i already felt like giving up.

Why i was tempted to give up the challenge, was bcos of my injured toe and my weak knees. I duno if i can get myself out of this based on the physical aspect. But i knew that i wld nv be able to live with 'giving excuses' for this experience.

The 1st few steps were really tough, bcos i cant use my toes to shuffle and push myself for a bigger step. The bottles on both ends were causing me to lose balance and topple over, adding additional pressure to either knees. Abt 1/3 of the journey i was a little 'angry' as i felt SILLY having to do this.

Immediately, i saw Jesus on his way to Calvary. The scene in Passion of the Christ flashed back where Jesus carried his own cross towards the place he was to be crucified. I cld hear the roars/cheers/scorns of those roman soldiers ard me. I felt off-balance again. For the split second i experienced the emotions of Jesus.

The humiliation and stares of those ard him, the foolishness he felt (dying for such unworthy ppl like u and i), the pain of his physical body, the pain that went thru his heart... The pain, the pain........... At that moment, i just BEG the Lord to sustain me. I felt that i wld collapse and give up. But i cant!!! I dun want to!

I saw some 'sand' on the ground b4 me. I was quite scared, bcos i dont know how much more i can bear already. Later i found out that those were green beans. This part of the journey hurt alot on the knees, each step was piercing that i dont dare to put any weight on my knees.

As i was finishing, i saw Pastor Laifun. Aiyoh, i dun want to see her, bcos i was afraid that she wld see me shld i choose to give up. Im almost done, im almost done. Lord sustain me, i kept repeating. And i finished! Thank God!!!!!!!! for being with me, thank God for his revelation. I know wldnt be able to complete this on my own.

Pastor Laifun gave me a hug and said well done. As i hugged her, i cried....... Not bcos of the pain in my knees, nor the humiliation that i felt. As she hugged me assuringly, i cld feel the 'heart ache' (sim tiah) in her. I know that as our pastor and spiritual mom, she doesnt want to see her children go thru all these. Similarly, God the Father dont want to see his only son Jesus walk thru that journey and to the cross. I felt the immense love of the Father for us, that he willingly gave up his son for us.

As we sat down with Junyan for our debrief, we all realised that it was for the GLORY of God at the end of the journey that sustained each one of us. It was for God's GLORY that Jesus bore all the pains to the point he said 'It is finished.' Seeing Pastor at the end of the path, was a motivation that we wld ALL SEE God the Father at the end. I am very grateful, that at least i dont have bear with the Lord forsaking me, like what happened to Jesus during the last moments of his crucifixion.

Lord, i thank You for the Revelation of the Cross, i thank You for the love that You gave freely to us. Thank You that You will not give to us more than we can bear. Thank God....!

"Thank You for the Cross, the mighty Cross
That God himself shld die for, such as us........"
---------- My salvation song, thank You Lord for reminding.

=cand=

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